No Excuses

I need this...I need a reminder why I need to STOP making excuses. Its been a rough few weeks and I was determined to get my head on straight this week and to get on track with my training. Its been tough. I started back to work full time, started this Low FODMAP "diet", and just when I think I am getting a handle on the GI issues its one step forward and two steps back. Bottom line is that I have to have a job so that is not changing and apparently these GI issues aren't disappearing any time soon so I need to figure it out. I need to stop making excuses and start finding a way to make it happen! If I want to become a stronger runner I need to DO WORK.  #noregrets

Thank you!

 

 

I cant get over how much running has enriched my life. Not only am I feeling fit and healthy, I have made some great friends and met some pretty amazing peeps. In the past 6-12 months I have branched out, stepped out of my comfort zone, and have made new acquaintances and friendships.  I joined a team this past May and now I am almost never alone at events. I am starting to do more training runs with other people, inspirational people. I don't know if they even realize how much I am inspired by them. I complain, I listen, I make excuses but when all is said in done I REALLY am listening and I take what they say to heart. I am an analyzer so when the run is over and I am on my way home or vegging out at night I replay conversations. I try to figure out what advice will work for me and I start to make plans. I am not kiddn' just about every time I run with or hang out with someone from the running community, I take something away from the experience. I feel as though I am the person I am today because I have found something positive to take away from every relationship and friendship I have had. So...Thank you to my friends (new and old), running friends and otherwise. Thank you for being a part of my journey!

Some random and not so random thoughts about being strong, feeling weak, and letting go...

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” ~Buddha

 

I have been trying for years to be the "go with the flow" carefree woman that I have been fooling myself that I am. I am almost there. I try to live by the "everything happens for a reason" attitude and for the most part I do. I mean how else can I justify the fact that I am 40, still single, and have no children? I try to remain strong even when obstacles are thrown in my path. Okay, well maybe that is not totally true. On the OUTSIDE I am hurdling those obstacles on the inside I am tripping and falling.

I am pretty hard on my self. I am competitive and I am my toughest competitor. I want to be the best. Well, you know what I mean...the best that I can be yet better than other people. I like to win and am starting to be okay with losing, as long as I tried my best. Baby steps. 

I am a "people pleaser". I have known this for awhile. I dont like people mad at me and I want people to like me. I take things to heart and over analyze relationships and interactions. Hmmm...that Buddha is on to something. I need to make some changes. 

I was told a long time ago that I have this "hero" complex- I  feel the need to take care of everyone, need to be the best, failure is not an option. Yeah, I need to change. I want to change. 

I am strong. At least that is what I want everyone to think. Isnt that what my facebook, twitter, and blog promote..."seeking physical, mental, and spiritual strength"?

I have a confession: Inside, I feel weak. Not always but often enough. I also feel guilty about feeling weak because I AM STRONG darn it! How can I be strong and weak at the same time!

I am starting to recognize that I might be a stronger person if I allow myself to feel weak every now and then, give up some control.  Knowing when to let go and being able to truly believe in your heart that it wasnt meant to be-That takes a lot of strength! 

Ways that I have been trying to let go...

1) I followed through with my plan to take the Bear Brook Marathon slow. Slow and steady so I wouldnt injure myself. It was slow. 12:12 slow. I am okay with that, sort of. I finished strong injury free! (I do wonder what I could have done if I wouldnt have held back but NO REGRETS)

Courtesy of SNAPacidotic

2) I had a tentative itinerary for my second trip to the White Mountains (see my other blog for the details of the first trip, second trip details are on their way). The weather was less than spectacular as I headed up the Ammonoosuc Ravine trail to conquer my first mountian of the trip-Monroe. It was foggy. I thought about skipping the hike that day and doing a different hike but I REALLY wanted to hike more of the presidential range ASAP. So I went against my better judgement and banked on the fact it was supposed to clear up. It didnt. It was so foggy at the base of Monroe I couldnt see my hand in front of my face. It was so windy I thought I was going to be blown over. I turned around  worked out Plan B for the day as I hiked back down the mountain. I was okay with not dying on the mountain that day and I had a great hike that afternoon.

3) Later that same week I had planned to head down to Northwood and run the second to last Harmony Hill race. I was going to place in the series if I made it to the race so I figured I might as well change campgrounds and head down. I loaded my car and was ready to hit the road and...my car wouldnt start. Dead battery. Change of plans. Got a new battery and decided NOT to waste the day driving. I let go of my opportunity to earn bling in the series and had an amazing day with two great hikes. Sounds silly but this was hard for me.  Everything happens for a reason.

4) Final Harmony Hill race. I was feeling great until I couldnt run anymore. Stomach cramps and the urge to vomit wast too strong. I walked half of the race and I still managed to enjoy the cookout afterward. Again, not easy for me. In the past I would have been frustrated and upset. Not that night.

5)Training run- I challenged myself to run as far as I could at a nice steady pace for 3 hours. Speed didnt matter, distance didnt matter. I did it and felt good about it. I was kinda proud of myself. It was tough for me to hold back.

And the bigger stuff...

Its not really a secret that I have been dealing with some GI issues since March. I have lost 12 lbs without trying. I have been in pain. Not excruciating pain. Just annoying I gotta go to the bathroom type of pain (I will spare you the details). I was given a generic diagnosis that I refused to accept. I wasnt going to "let it go". I dont want to be weak. I dont want to have this annoying somewhat debilitating issue. Not an option. Well, suck it up buttercup. I am now on this crazy diet to rule out what might be giving me issues-gluten free, lactose free, artificial sweetener free, chocolate free, date, coconut, and avacado free diet. There's more but those are the biggies that I have been having a hard time letting go. I know in the grand scheme of things it could be worse but this has been a very emotional process. Its getting better. I am letting go of the things that I "cant" have and trying to make the best of what I can have. After all, its only 6 weeks and there are people out there who have to eat this way all of the time.

In my protest of the diagnosis, I was grasping for other answers to my problem. I pleaded to my primary physician, my GI doc, and to the dietician. Finally someone listened and a discovery was made. I now have some decisions to make. Decisions I wish I didnt have to make but at least I have some some answers AND options. There are people out there that don't have options, I am grateful that I do.  I am seeking professional consult to help me make the right choice. I am nervous. I might need to decide what is not meant for me... I cant help but wonder if I can do that gracefully, if I can know in my heart everything happens for a reason, if I can let go of the dream I once had. BUT...I have some time to research and decide so for now I am going to focus on this stupid diet.

I need and want to make changes. I want to be strong enough to allow myself to feel weak without guilt. I want to truly believe and feel that its okay to let go.

“Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness”

~Jean Vanier

#lettinggo #noregrets @runstronginnh

The journey to becoming a Mountain Goat...USATF NE Mountain series

Running has challenged me changed me! Never would I have imagined almost 3 years ago when I signed up for my first 5k that I would be running mountains for fun! (Keep in mind I was not a "runner" at the time I signed up for my first race, I did it b/c someone challenged me to.) My love-hate relationship with mountain running started when I decided to do the Winter Wild Series this past winter. (I first heard of Winter Wild after completing the Western NH Trail series last year.) I have grown fond of series and who doesn't like a little challenge? The "perk" for running the USATF NE Mountain series is that everyone who runs the whole series gets to bypass the lottery for the Mt. Washington Auto Road race in 2014. *side note- for some strange reason, a couple races into the Winter Wild series, I decided to enter the lottery for the Mt. Washington race but unfortunately/fortunately for me I didn't make the lottery for 2013.


J and I when we were still friends, just before the sprint to the finish!

The series started at Sleepy Hollow Mountain Race. I had no idea what to expect. I headed up to VT, drove way out in the middle of no where (Huntington VT) to the Sleepy Hollow Inn Ski and Bike Center. For $15 I was able to camp onsite. I was joining about 10-15 other tent campers and the Inn that was booked with runners as well. I fell asleep listening to the sounds of the night-owls, howling animals, peepers etc. Woke up early, broke down camp, had some PBJ sandwhich and my favorite PB chocochip Lara bar. I wanted/needed coffee but that wasn't happening. As the other racers were driving in I was getting nervous. This was my first mountain race and my first race where I was RACINGacidotic. I had finally joined the team that week and was meeting Chris to get my race shirt and buff. I proudly changed into my aR gear and headed for the start line. Yikes! I quickly found that I was able to make up time on the down hills and sucked wind on the uphills! In the end my downhill speed paid off and I did finish ahead of some of the runners I had been playing cat and mouse with. I noticed many aR racers on the course and made a friend who almost unfriended me as quickly as we became friends because I forgot to tell him I was going to sprint to the finish. It did make for an interesting finish and was a good ice breaker for me and my new aR team mates. I think I finished 3rd in my age group that race and of course I was excited to earn some bling (lemon bread) for my first mountain race. 


I was happy I threw my gloves in my car at the last minute...brr

Next up was Wachusett Mountain race. This race was all up hill to start as we ran up the auto road. It was a chilly/dreary morning and again I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had a strong finish since it was all down hill but didn't earn any age group bling (place 4th for my age group)but I did stick around to get a raffle prize (subscription to NE Runner magazine).

 

The finish of the Fell race

Wachusett was followed by Bretton Woods Fell race which was probably my best race in the series. What a difference a week makes. It was the hottest race of the series with temps in the 90's! We ran up and down the mountains at Bretton Woods ski resort 3 times. There was a safe marked course but you could also make your own course. I chose the safe route with 1 minor change that made a huge difference. I was actually thanked by a fellow runner for consulting with him and choosing that route. As I was heading UP one last time I was fortunate to see the legendary moose that ran across the course. He was just behind me and seconds before he darted out of the woods I could hear him tramping around in the woods, I just thought it was some rogue runners-nope, Bullwinkle wanted to play!

 

Then there was Ascutney Mountain Run...ugh. All uphill on the road. My worst race but none the less it brought me closer to my coveted Mountain Goat Status. I was still in 3rd place overall at that point but I new I couldn't hold onto that for long.

<--Thank goodness the camera was there or I would have continued to hike up that darn road.

 

Hmmm...what was next? Ah yes, LOON mountain race.  I had heard all the hype about Loon and this legendary "Upper Walking Boss"...I had no clue!  This race was definitely the most challenging for me-physically and mentally. I seriously considered quitting the sport as I was running this race. I had the same ole thoughts I normally do "what the heck was I thinking", "I am outta my league" etc. BUT I had never wanted to throw in the towel as much as I did during this race. Talk about a love-hate relationship! This race finished on an uphill. I pushed as hard as I could to cross the finish line. I didn't look around me when I finished and bee lined for my belongings and found the first quiet place I could, sat down and let the tears flow! I was a wreck! Finally I told myself to "suck it up buttercup" (not to mention, I was no longer alone in my quiet place) so I headed to the bathroom changed my clothes and tried real hard to change my attitude! It worked, no one was the wiser. I joined some team mates and we commiserated about the race. Most common theme-hated it but cant wait to do it again next year! Bring it Loon Mountain 2014!
One more race to go after Loon-Cranmore Hill Climb! Cranmore was a multi-purpose race. Not only did it serve as the last race in the series when we would achieve Mountain Goat status, it served as the USA Mountain Running National Championship as well as the NACAC (North American, Caribbean, Central American) Mountain Championships.  It was an amazing atmosphere at the race, being around the elite mountain racing athletes was pretty sweet. It was a tough course but Loon was tougher. This course was two loops with the start at the top of the mountain. The course mimicked the World Championship course in Poland since this race is where the USA team members will earn their spots on the team for the championship race. I started fairly strong on the downhill-go figure. I didn't push it too much though because I knew the uphill would be tough. I ran portions of the first uphill push but I did do some walking...the second loop a lot more walking. My legs were so confused by the fast downhill and the uphill finish! Finishing the final uphill push I could hear the men lining up and cheering on the runners ahead of me...no walking now! I needed to climb that last little bit, no walking in front of the boys. As I entered the starting area I got chills the crowd of men split to let me through and I could hear my team members and 100+ other runners cheering me on. Keep running, Keep running, keep pushing yourself, final "sprint"...UP. I crossed the finish line much faster than I would have without the men cheering behind me, plus my goal was to finish before the men started. I did reach my goal, less than 5 minutes before the men's start. I finished just under an hour at 58 minutes. What a rush! I ended up finishing 5th in the series for woman, and 3rd in my age group. Damn the women get faster as they get older! ha ha

Reality soon set in- I AM A MOUNTAN GOAT! I have to run Mount Washington next year! June 2014! I am looking forward to the mountain series next year. I am not sure I will do all of the races but Bretton Woods, Loon, and Canmore will definitely be on my "To Do" list! #RunStrong #NoRegrets
+USATF New England  @acidoticRACING   @runstronginnh
*All racing photos courtesy of Gianina Lindsey SNAPacidotic


acidotic RACING won two team awards and I am proud to have been a part of the Masters (1st place )and Open (second place) teams!



Beast Mode-ON

<---Yep it was one of those kind of weekends! It was a great weekend!  The weekend started with Wachusett mountain run, the 2nd run in the USATF NE mountain series. I entered the race knowing it was going to be a tough field. We were in Massachusetts= more runners, fast runners. The race started-3 miles up on the paved road! I wore my Saucony Mirage 2 and they didn't fail me even though they are near retirement age. I love those shoes! I found my pacers and my targets and chased them up. My goal was not to walk...and I didn't. I couldn't believe how strong I felt at times. I was relieved but still knew I wasn't going to get bling this race! As the runners got to the top we had to loop the tower and made our way back down the paved access road. The down hills are my strength yet I still couldn't catch my targets. Eventually we hit the dirt road which was really a fancy trail. I passed a strong runner and instantly knew I had a target on my back-yep she passed me again about 30 seconds later with her wheels on. I couldn't keep up. At about 200 yards to go (according to one of the fast runners that was running back up the course after her race) I kicked it into high speed. Passed a target and several others. Oh looky, looky there-Its the fast girl. I knew she was in my age group, I scoped that out already as I always do. I don't mind getting passed, as long as you are a male or a woman who is not in my age group! Ha! Anyhow, fast girl was making her way along all safe and comfortable when I tracked her down and passed her with about 4 feet to go to the finish-Gotcha! I mean oh, sorry, did you want to be 4th in our age group? Had I known I might not have passed you. Okay, okay, I am not really this cocky but it does strike me funny how people just casually make their way to the finish-You have to sprint to the finish, give it all you got people! So yes, I was 4th in my age group which didn't earn me bling but I was pretty proud. 104 overall. Not bad, top 3rd of the runners.

 

I raced again today. I told myself I didn't have to and that I could use it as a training run but yeah, that didn't last long. What a crazy race it was. I was told that the Pineland Farm trails are a little muddy when its dry out. It had been raining for a couple of days so it was a lot muddy. I have never seen/ran in anything like it. The first 7-10 miles-mud and water. Which made the race that much harder!

My new Saucony Adapts

I started out trying to get around all the runners as I normally do. I like to break away from the pack however today it was not easy! It was the worlds biggest slip and slide from the start. Actually, while I was waiting for the race to start my feet had formed a puddle. By mile 5-6 I was feeling pretty good. Mile 9 eh-not so much. 10-11 okay...but then I walked about 20 feet going up at about mile 12. My stomach was cramping and I was short of breath. Just needed a little breather. I did stop at a couple of water/food stops but again, my goal was not to stop on the course. Bummed but needed I quickly took some steps and was off and running. I ended up passing one of my female targets, she passed me again after a water stop, then I was back on the chase. At about mile 13.5 I reluctantly passed her. For some strange reason I was feeling okay and I kept my pace going. 2 Kilometers to go and it was game on. I passed another young girl who passed me at mile 12. Yeah, that felt good. I was able to sprint to the finish and was very happy with my time of 2:34:52.  I thought I was going to die, I just kept walking, I was spent! I walked to my car sent some texts with my results, grabbed a jacket, some water, and made my way back to the party. Grabbed some grub and could barely eat it but choked it down. Did I mention I was spent? For kicks I decided to look at the over all results. What? 180 overall, 9th in my age group? Wow! Way better than I imagined! I cant believe how strong I am feeling. Sure my hamstrings are hating me right now but I am doing it. I am getting stronger as a runner! That is what really matters. Its not always the bling or who I am going to beat at the finish. Seriously-that stuff is all in fun. What it is really about is me and challenging myself. Determined to take risks and have no regrets!

 

After the race...                                                                               The bling

 

 

After the two layers of socks came off -gross!                      

 

 

 

 

 

 

                  

Rocking out on my way home!

 

 

Update: I forgot to mention all the great people I met last weekend! As I was walking back to the start area on Sunday I ran into a guy who was wearing a brand new pair of Adapts as well. He had the black and orange male version. "nice shoes" I shouted. He smiled and we walked together to the start area. I found out he was from Virginia and was working in the area and thought he should give this race a try. He committed to pacing a friend who was running a 100 ultra in a couple of weeks and figured he better do a trial run first. We chatted for a bit and headed our separate ways at the portapotties. I saw him after the race and he was just as happy with his shoes as I was with mine and he was feeling good about his finish and pacing his friend in a couple of weeks. I got to the start line and soon was surrounded by fellow aR racers. People I had never met before with some common interests-we were proudly RACING acidotic and we loved the trails. I passed a few more aR team mates on the trails and met some who were supporting the rest of us. I also ran into a fellow trail racer from the Meet Up group I run with. I met his wife and she too loves her Saucony's but was forced to wear her Asics that day. I saw her after the race and she managed to get through with the asics, I am pretty sure she was happy she wasn't wearing her Kinvara's because the mud had all but destroyed our shoes and I would have been sad if I did that to a pair of Kinvaras! 

Transformation

I first posted info about my transformation on Facebook a few months ago.

Lately I have felt the need to blog another quick post about my evolution from

skinny kid to BIG girl and now- healthy, fit, and happy!

I ran track and played basketball in high school. Being active was easy for me. My metabolism must have been higher back then.  I used to eat whatever I wanted and stayed "skinny".
 My mom would always tell me "Some day that will catch up with you".
Pizza, Doritos, Coke...yummy.

Senior photos-Class of 1991

College Graduation

Then came college. I stayed active and attempted to run indoor track my freshman year. That was an epic fail. Fitness wasn't really a focus of mine, I focused on my studies and enjoying the experience (and made one too many bad choices). I did however make a good choice and transferred colleges my Junior year. Eventually I found rugby and a little bit of fitness. My weight gain didn't really begin until after college.

I got to a point with my weight that I thought there was no turning back. So, what do you do at that point?
 Cry, hate yourself, and eat some more! 

October 1999

I  married,  divorced, and was trying to find my way in life. That "some day" my mom was referring to had arrived-I hate it when she is right! I tried Jenny Craig and a bunch of other gimmicky weight loss programs. My second time around on Jenny Craig I kept off 20 lbs. I eventually found rugby again. But I was still a big girl-bigger than I used to be anyhow. I did start to become fit through rugby but life was still stressful. Several failed relationships, uncomfortable in my own skin, and working a job I loved but a job that had me putting in some crazy hours. I knew I was depressed. I couldn't snap out of it. I would cry at the drop of a hat. Not a good thing when you are on the administrative team. I asked my doctor for help, anti-depressants were prescribed. I requested counseling, I didn't want to be on meds forever. I learned a lot from the experience. I started to figure out how to live life for me and tried not to worry about how my choices affected everyone around me. I lost a little more weight and started to recognize myself again but the real transformation didn't happen till I threw caution into the wind and made the biggest decision of my life. I packed up and left my family and friends to live the simple life in New England. It was as though I had lived here my whole life. I instantly felt comfortable. I had instant happiness. I no longer needed therapy, no medications. I found great pleasure in hiking, photography, and exploring my new environment. I picked up mountain biking too. I tried one more diet-South Beach and lost another 10-20 lbs (I cant remember). I found rugby again.  Fast forward passed a couple more failed relationships  and bouts of sadness and self pity parties to when I found cycling. I was cycling and mountain biking and feeling better. Another couple years later I found running. I lost another 10lbs without even trying. My first 5k I won a trophy and it was all up hill from there. I was addicted to the challenge (and the bling)! Since I started running I have crossed a number of things off my bucket list-sprint triathlon, half marathon, marathon, 24 hour mountain bike racing, trail racing etc. Each year I set goals for myself. That is why I have that schedule over there ------>.
I seek challenges that make me physically, mentally, and spiritually strong.

Life is too short to have regrets. Do what makes you happy.
Be Strong. Run Strong. No Regrets!

 

                                                                                           

                                               

 

 

My quest to earn mountain goat status...

Saturday is a rugby day!

The weekend of  May 4th and 5th was a little busy. I started Saturday with Amoskeag rugby club when I briefly stepped out of retirement to play with my running partners and good friends Amy and Brigit. It was a fun morning, I played a position I had never played before and I didn't get hurt! I hesitated playing because on May 5th I was scheduled to run the Sleepy Hollow mountain run-the first race in the USATF NE Mountain Circuit.

photo by Gianina Lindsey @ Snapacidotic

photo by Gianina Lindsey @ Snapacidotic

After the game I drove home, showered, packed my car with my tent, sleeping pad, sleeping bag, running kit etc. I then drove 3 hours to Huntington VT to Sleepy Hollow trails. $15 and I was set for the night! I set up my tent and was settled in around 9pm. The sounds of the night were amazing and after dark the skies were full of stars. I was excited for a good nights sleep and I wasn't disappointed. Woke up, broke down camp and started to psych myself up for my first race of the series and my first race running with acidotic RACING. I met Chris in the parking lot and got my jersy and buff. I was ready to hit the trail! The race started-close to 200 participants and I was nervous. We headed up and I felt strong-down and up again. I was fast on the down hills not as fast going up. I tend to only tap the brakes going down and feel the need to take advantage of the moment. I passed a couple women who passed me again and ultimately I passed them before the race was through. I met up with a fellow aR team mate on the trail. Didn't know him but we both were wearing team jerseys. We toggled back and forth and finally after the second hill climb up and fast down we were running together. He suggested we run together with a nice opportunity for a pic in the aR yearbook. Sounds fine but did I mention that I sprint the finish-oops. He wasn't happy but we pretty much crossed the finish line together-in a full out sprint. After the race he said "there is a word for people like you and it starts with a B" I took that as a compliment ;-)  It was nice to have people to hang out with after the race and I enjoyed meeting people with a similar passion for the trails. I ended up finishing 3rd in my age group, just one place from medaling in the USATF mountain championship. Not bad for my first official mountain race.

 

photo by Gianina Lindsey @ Snapacidotic



The weekend after Sleepy Hollow I had a great 12ish mile run in the Belknaps. We hit 4 or 5 peaks in total and finished at Mt. Major. I was enjoying the moment so much that I forgot to snap a picture...oops! It was a long but great run/experience. Looking forward to doing it again. This past weekend I ran Pumpelly trail of Mt. Monadnock. It was my first trip up Monadnock for the year and it did not disappoint. The views were incredible and it was a fun run/hike. I only ticked off one angry woman (gave her wrong directions on accident) and wiped out as the end of the run was "near". Many laughs and perfect weather made for a great day. Next up...Mount Wachusett!

It was nice not to have to take a selfie from the top of Monadnock!