Call me selfish, but I run for me!

First or last place, you are a bad ass. It doesn't matter if you only run a mile or if you run 200 miles. If it makes you happy than keep running and BE PROUD!

 ~Kristina Folcik-Dangergirl

 

Ragged Mountain 1st AG, Pats Peak 3rd AG

Today I participated in two races. One started at 7am, the other at 6pm. The Winter Wild series takes crazy runners, snow boarders, and skiers up and down ski mountains all the while YOU are sleeping (before the ski areas open). I completed the Winter Wild series last winter. I finished 2nd in my age group for the series last year. This year I was unable to do the whole series due to my surgery recovery. This year I am racing to build back some strength. I had no expectations for placing in these races yet I am 2 for 2 for ending up placing in the top 3 of my age group. Darn it. You see, I am my toughest competition. I race/run for me. I give myself challenges. I am fairly successful within my age group and often end up on the podium for my age group. No one expects me to do this but me. I try to give myself a break but its hard. I don't want to let myself down.  Today, after my first race I started getting mentally prepared for my second race-snow shoes. I participated in my first snow shoe race last Sunday and lets just say I wasn't all that impressed. I sucked wind, walked within the first mile, 

Moose Mountain Snow Shoe Race

and I felt like I spent the entire time in an anaerobic state. I managed a first place win for my age group, but it was a small race. Today at 6pm I challenged myself to give snow shoe racing another try. The race was put on by the team I race with acidotic RACING and it was a night race...no brainer, I was going to give it a try. (I ran a trail race on almost the same course this summer and placed second over all for the women) While it sounded like a good idea at the time I was trying to be okay with just running. Go out there and run...have fun. That is not easy for me to do. The "You NEED to place" side of me usually takes over. I saw the above status on my friend Kristina's facebook page. It was perfect timing. I really needed to read that at that moment. 

Tonight I raced at Kingman but I did it differently than I normally do. I took my time getting to the start. I was near the end of the pack, probably within the last 10-12 people. The horn went off and I didn't move. Eventually I got to the start, turned on my Nike+ sport watch and ran. I was smiling. I eventually started passing people but only to maintain my pace. NOT to "win". I had so much fun this race and I beat my desired time which was good enough for me! Yes, I post about running and my races on my personal facebook page however I dont do this to brag or boast. I don't do this for the kudos and recognition. I do it because I am proud of my accomplishments and my failures. I know not everyone understands and you dont have to. Like I said, my running is for me, my racing is for me. 

Back in control... I want my body back!

The past year was a little challenging for me. Initially I was quiet about my issues, I slowly opened up to my closest friends and then after about 4 months I let it all out, opening up to anyone that would listen. Most people were surprised because on the outside you would never know anything was wrong. I had a great race season and was able to spend some quality time in the mountains and on the trails

*Kingman Farm trail race, August 2013

I think I started talking as a way of working through what I was feeling.  I felt as though what was happening to me was unfair. It was out of my control and I didn’t like it. It all started in late March a couple months before I was in full racing mode.  By July I had lost 12ish lbs and at my lightest weight the numbers 1-2-8 showed up on the scale. Part of me was excited to see numbers that I hadn’t seen since  high school but overall I was not feeling great about the weight loss. I was told by close friends and family that I was *too skinny* I don’t think I was too skinny. It was just not the side of Sarah they had seen before, or not the side they had seen in almost 20 years. Honestly, I didn’t like it mainly because I wasn’t eating much because I didn’t know how my body was going to respond to what I was eating. The first seconds I saw that number I was like “oh yeah, holy crap!” Ten seconds later I was saying to myself “damn girl, you need to eat!” I have said it before, I am a recovering control freak. I have been trying hard not to over focus on the things that I cannot control. I really wanted to be in control of my GI issues and in July I started making changes to my diet. By the fall I had gained about 5-7 lbs back and was feeling very comfortable at 133-135. I worked hard to get to that point, I was the fittest I had ever been and I was running well. The time spent on the trails and running in the mountains paid off!  I pretty much could sustain at 135 without having to focus on my diet. Cool. I was healthy and I felt great, minus the GI issues.

By the end of October I learned that the diet changes weren’t enough. Not enough had changed for me to figure out what was going on. My life was consumed by my GI issues.  All my conversations and thoughts had been taken over by wondering how my body was going to react to what I was eating. I figured out a few things that made it better and was able to keep weight on but I felt like what was going on with my body was out of my control and it was making me crazy. Pretty sure there was some depression hidden in there as well.  I made the decision to have surgery to remove “baby fibroid” that was sitting in the back of my uterus, growing comfortably. There was a small chance that removing that thing was going to alleviate some of my GI issues so you bet ya, I went for it.   I had planned on losing some fitness and probably a little weight gain. Pretty sure I was going to see that dreaded 1-4-0 again (a number I proudly hadn’t seen in over a year) but knew it would only be temporary.  Mentally preparing for surgery was pretty easy for me. I ran a PR half marathon a couple weeks before the surgery and did what I wanted to do before I was laid up for 6 weeks.

Surgery and post-op went way better than I had planned. I felt great. I wasn’t pushing myself too much, I had a great partner, and a faithful watchdog keeping an eye on me.

After a couple of weeks my lower back and body was feeling crippled. I was slowly able to sit up right and was able to cough with minimal pain. After 2 ½ weeks I decided I wanted to start going to the gym. Just to get my body moving. I stretched a little and sat on the reclining bike that I had set at level one. I couldn’t have set it at a harder level if I wanted to, it made me laugh to have it set at such an easy pace but it felt good to move my body parts! Since I couldn’t drive myself, I was never at the gym unsupervised! I did go for a short run/shuffle shortly after that. I needed it. The doc told me I could return to physical activity slowly, rule of thumb- if it hurts, don’t do it. I followed his orders and made it a slow 1.5 miles. 

My first post surgery run

I did run a 5k on New Years day about 3.5 weeks after surgery. I was careful and it felt good. So I did it.  I was excited to be able to fit in my running clothes! One week later, that all changed. Happy New Year! At week 4 I was able to return to work part time. I started to notice that the clothes that I wore 1 to 2 weeks earlier were fitting a little tighter. It was still uncomfortable to wear pants but tight yoga pants weren’t going to be acceptable professional wear at my meetings  that week. Feeling slightly anxious about the fit of my clothes, I blew it off knowing that I was beginning to increase my activity and the weight wouldn’t stay on for long. One week later that attitude changed. Devastation took over. Imagine waking up one morning to find out that you are 10 lbs heavier than you were the day before. Yep. That pretty much happened to me. I was working part time so once I was done that first week I was in my comfy clothes until the next week. When I got dressed for work-ugh. I went though almost all the pants I owned trying to find a pair that fit. What that heck! At one point, I weighed 147!  How was this happening? To top it all off I decided to put my increase in activity on hold. Too many people were expressing concern about my return to exercise with talk about internal bleeding etc. I was still active but not as active as I hoped to be. I have to say that it is very frustrating to hear things like: “oh geesh, you gained weight, you could afford a few pounds”  or when people snicker  and roll their eyes like I am over re-acting.  REALLY!? How do you not understand that I have regressed almost 2 years? That’s many miles spent running, that’s a lot of blood , sweat, and tears. I know I could afford to gain a couple pounds but I have NO clothes that fit and I am feeling uncomfortable in my own skin again. I am feeling the same feelings at 145 that I felt at 195. Very depressing.  I know I associated my surgery with a c-section and giving birth to a fibroid but I wasn’t pregnant, I didn’t have any time to prepare my body or my wardrobe for this kind of weight gain. I had hoped it was hormonal but nope. The surgeon shot that down. Really? I went up a whole bra size! I am stuck wearing bras that I haven’t worn in two years (yes, I at least had some bras around). My body felt like it was preparing for pregnancy, breast pain, bloating, widened hips. But its not hormonal. Whatever. I have one pair of running tights I can fit into. They were my first pair that I bought 3 years ago. Before surgery they were falling off me. Now-they are a pretty good fit.  Out of control. Not acceptable.

Paleo porridge

Surgery didn't really help with my GI issues. It removed a constant pain I had in my abdomen but overall, my symptoms still existed. I found out (after having a colonoscopy and a biopsy) that I don’t have anything diagnosably (<--I think I made up that word) wrong with me, the focus is back to diet again. I don’t mean the losing weight kind of diet, I am referring to the overall diet, trying to figure out what it is that I am eating that could be triggering my issues. Previously I had focused on elimination and a LowFODMAP diet. Recently I did a little more research and chatting with friends about gut health and the Paleo lifestyle. I shot the idea of  it down in the past. It involves a lot of food prep and cooking. My kitchen is tiny and lets face it “ain’t nobody got time for that”. I found some good information online through a couple of different blogs. I found some tips for getting started, cleared my cupboards, and went grocery shopping. I am nearing the end of week one and for the most part was pretty successful with the first phase of my transition. I was already part of the way there with my gluten-free lifestyle but grain free, that’s tough. Surprisingly the grain wasn’t the hardest part.  Finding time to cook breakfast was the most challenging and I quickly got sick of eggs. Through a little more research and a little more shopping I was able to throw together some banana pancakes yesterday  morning and today I made some paleo porridge-so good. Last night I cooked up some spaghetti squash and I did some other food prep, today I will be throwing some “spaghetti” in the oven. In an attempt to make room in my kitchen, I removed the toaster. No grains=no toast I will be donating it to the local recycling center swap shop.

As I stood in my kitchen food prepping last night, I felt pretty good about myself. I found some renewed energy and feel as though I am taking back some control that I had lost.  It feels pretty darn good. 

I am a big fan of change. I need this change in my life. Taking control over my diet, trying to feel better, putting mind over matter has helped me in all areas. I want to train harder. I want to stop making excuses. I owe it to myself to have #noregrets. 

What is left of the flowers given to me by one of my students when I returned to work full time on January 22nd. Today I put the remaining flowers in a small vase that reads Live Well 

 The Paleo Mom's blog has been a huge help with my diet. I have saved some Paleo and gluten free recipes on my Pinterest page as well.

*Kingman Farm race photo courtesy of SNAPacidotic